The Feminist
by Shafaishkafaa
Summary: jerry dates a feminist whose purse gets stolen and he doesnt run to get it back. Sparks fly. Don't doubt that you'll be crying with laughter by the end of this!


[Jerry and his new "lady friend" are walking down the much seen sidewalk.

Jerry-"New bag?"

Carla-"Oh, yes. How nice of you to notice!"

Jerry-"That's nice of YOU to notice!"

Carla-"Haha. This really doesn't feel like a third date!"

Jerry-"Well, that-"

[Someone runs along the sidewalk and quickly snatches Carla's purse. She gasps.

Carla-"Oh my God! Jerry, run!"

Jerry-"What? Why?"

Carla-"That guy he stole…run after him, Jerry!"

Jerry-"There's no point, NOW! He's gone! Look-he's gone. He's a purse-snatcher! You think they run at thunder-fast speed on sidewalks, snatch purses and then wait around the corner to see if you're following them? They snatch and run. It's their job!"

Carla-"I cant believe you!"

[Walks away, faster.

Jerry-"Oh, come on. He was fast! You think YOU could catch him? Carla…Carla!!!!"

[Under his breath.

"Oh forget it…"

(Theme song)

[Coffee Shop. George and Jerry are sitting on their usual table. It's got leftover food from the previous occupants all over it.

Jerry-"Where is the waitress? I cant sit like this! All this filth…"

George-"Filth? It's food."

Jerry-"Uncleared, leftover food!"

George-"Jerry…the people who were here before us ate this food."

Jerry-"Yeah? Then how come its not in the stomachs! I cant sit here!"

George-"All the other tables are taken. Just wait for the waitress. So how was C-A-R-L-A….Carla?"

Jerry-"What? Are you a cheerleader now? Pah. It was okay at first but on our walk back this guy snatched her purse. She was very upset. I-"

George-"-Did you run?" (excited)

Jerry-"What? No. Are you crazy? You don't think those guys practice running that fast. It's like the hardest stealing job!"

George-"NO way! The hardest has to be the pick-pocket. Those guys (snaps fingers)…"

Jerry-"What?"

George-"You know! They got to have the concentration. I mean they have to actually go into the pocket. It's hard, Jerry. Very hard. I could never do that! We don't give these people enough credit."

Jerry-"You're right. I'll remember to thank the next guy who tries to steal my money…"

George-"Dahling, dahling…could you.."

[Points to the table

Waitress-"No."

George-"Im sorry-what?"

Waitress-"I just serve. I don't wipe."

Jerry-"You don't?"

Waitress-"No."

George-"But YOU'RE a waitress!"

Waitress-"Yeah-we don't wipe!"

Jerry-"Then what do you do when people leave leftovers?"

Waitress-"I don't know…they never do…"

[Walks away

[Jerry and George look at each other intrigued

[Krammer walks in

Krammer-"Hey-hey…"

Jerry-"It's the K-Man!"

George-"Yeah, whatever, hey-what was WITH that waitress? Hmph."

[Under his breath

"They never do…"

Krammer-"I've got a brilliant idea, Jerry! It's brilliant. Brilliant."

Jerry-"So its…okay?"

Krammer-"Brilliant!"

Jerry-"Alright. Pipe down, Einstein."

Krammer-"Listen to this-A bakery where you can bake your own cake. See-see Jerry remember with the pizza place you told me people don't know how to make their own pizza. But with this…this is a glory road, Jerry."

George-"Doesn't baking take a lot of time?"

Jerry-"Alright. That's nice. I gotta go make a phone call to Carla."

[Jerry is leaving

George-"Oh my GOD! I've got it! A restaurant that serves- leftovers!"

Jerry-"What?"

George-"Its so efficient. A restaurant that serves leftovers! You don't need any cooks, you just take the leftovers and serve them! What do you think?"

Jerry-"Leftovers? Why don't you just start selling digested food? Now, you two enjoy each other-I gotta go."

[Elaine is dating David Puddy-the mechanic turned car salesman. Both of them are in her apartment watching TV

Elaine-"David-change the damn channel. I hate this movie. It caused me a LOT of pain."

David-"The English Patient? But the sex in the bathtub-"

Elaine-"-its not even the real thing!"

David-"Babe!"

Elaine-"Look it-change the channel or you're sleeping on the couch!"

[David switches the TV off

David-"Babe, talk to me."

Elaine-"What? I want to watch TV. I've got nothing to say…"

David-"Hey-we've been goin out a long time. I want to get to know the real Elaine."

Elaine-"Well-okay. What do you wanna know?"

David-"What did you do today?"

Elaine-"Woke up, went to work, came here and didn't get to watch any TV!"

David-"I did the same thing expect I didn't go to work."

Elaine-"Yeah. I KNOW. You sat on the couch all day. Are you done?"

David-"Elaine-I'm sorry but you are emotionally unavailable."

Elaine-"Im not unavailable…I'm just emotionally screening!"

David-"Yeah. I gotta go. You're stone."

Elaine-"Yeah? Well YOU'RE emotionally-"

[David leaves and shuts the door behind Elaine

[Jerry's apartment

George-"So she wont even return your calls?"

Jerry-"Yeah! What does she want from me?"

George-"You know, I would have run…"

[Elaine comes through the door and bangs it shut behind her

Elaine-"You will not BELIEVE what I am going through!"

Jerry-"Oh-no, I will."

Elaine-"Puddy thinks I'm emotionally unavailable! Can you BELIEVE that?"

Jerry-"Yes-yes, I can."

Elaine-"I mean, none of us are! Okay George, maybe-"

George-"Hey-I am NOT emotionally unavailable. I'm available. I'm so available whenever emotions need me they seek me out, baby!" (snaps fingers)

Elaine-"That's nice. Jerry, what do I do? I cant live like this!"

Jerry-"Why don't you show him he's wrong! Do the most available thing there is to do. Show him you're a wuss!"

Elaine-"Yeah. I guess. Okay, I gotta go. Where's Krammer I lent him the Speedy shoes from the catalogue…I need em back."

Jerry-"He's at Newman's. They are going over their deal."

George-"Again with the bake your own cake? Stupid, Krammer. The money is in the leftover business I tell you!"

Jerry-"Wait-Speedy Shoes? What you're selling shoes for kids that light up when you step?"

Elaine-"No! They happen to be great. They are designed in a way that help you run really really fast!"

Jerry-"Like Superman? Oh man, can I have them?"

Elaine-"Well-I just have the prototype for now. Anyway-if you see Krammer tell him to swing by my office and return em."

Jerry/George-"Bye!"

Elaine-"Oh and Georgy-here…(hands him an old bag of Juji Fruit) it's a few weeks old. Good luck."

[Elaine leaves

[Krammer zips into Jerry's apartment at an alarmingly high speed

Jerry-"Krammer! There you are! Elaine was looking for you. Anyway-she said you should drop by her office and return the shoes. Hey Krammer how- how did you do that?"

Krammer-"Oh, YEAH. Check it out. It's these shoes."

George-"Speedy shoes?"

Krammer-"Yeeeeah!"

Jerry-"You've got a superpower!"

Krammer-"I'm loving every second of this, Jerry. In fact, you know, I'm never taking these shoes off! NEVER!"

[Jerry's phone rings

Jerry-"Hello. Oh Carla! Yeah…I'm terribly sorry. I didn't-yeah. One chance! Okay-I'll see you tonight then. Alright, bye."

George-"She bought?"

Jerry-"Oh yeah! Seeing her tonight. But its quite useless. She's obviously going to think less of me now. You know what, 'm calling it off."

George-"Why do you want to see her so bad? You're dumping women left and right cuz they eat their fruit one at a time…"

Jerry-"Peas! It was obnoxious! Well, its not like she's any better looking than the other women I date but there is something about her…"

Krammer-"Jerry-Jerry…look at all this mint! You know-it makes you infertile! Alright, I'm going back to Neman's."

[Krammer leaves

Jerry-"But its Breathmint! I must feel minty-fresh!"

George-"Great personality? Big smile? Ooh, manage a toi?"

Jerry-"No,no. I don't know-I met her at a club. I was doing my act and right before that she was with her group giving a speech about feminism and womens' rights-"

George-"Oh my GOD! That is it. You see?"

Jerry-"What?"

George-"She's a FEMINIST! A feminist, Jerry! Do you know the hold they have over men? They are like magnets! This is fantastic. I've tried to hang around the community centre all day to score with one but you-you are a hero! I'd given up. I thought a man like me couldn't have them! But Jerry-this is amazing! Do you know the doors this will open for your sexual ego boost?"

Jerry-"A feminist? Really-how?"

George-"Oh God. You're like an innocent schoolboy rolling naked in the fields!"

Jerry-"Yes, of course."

George-"The feminist is like two steps away from the lesbian! It's the eternal fantasy. They hate men! They want nothing to do with men. They want to crush them to bits…think of the sex Jerry!"

Jerry-"Oh my God! You're right."

George-"You will reach the heights of passion the even the gymnast could not get you till!"

Jerry-"Yeah.."

George-"How you got a feminist…I'll never understand…"

Jerry-"But-I didn't run for her bag? She thinks I'm scum! If she's a feminist why didn't SHE run?"

George-"Maybe she's a phony feminist. You know, the lazy ones who lie and about being one but just want to sit at home all day smelling flowers and baking…"

Jerry-"She's not a Stepford Wife!"

George-"I've got it! Boy, have I got it! You are going to love me Jerry!"

Jerry-"Yeah…I don't think so…"

George-"You take Carla out for a nice meal. Then on your way back you'll take the sidewalk. Now, we get Krammer to zip along the sidewalk while you two are walking back. He'll grab her bag, make a run for it and she'll have to catch him…you know, to prove that she's a feminist and with Krammer's shoes there's no way she can catch him! What do you think?"

Jerry-"Have you been spending time with Newman?"

[George is walking around lurking behind Monk's trashcan. He's got a sac. He continues doing so when Mr. and Mrs. Ross (Susan's parents) walk by. George continues to dig through the trash. His clothes are messed up and dirty. He stinks and looks tired and worn out.

George-"Oh YEAH! A bit of tuna sandwich…nice and half a Snicker!"

Mrs. Ross-"Oh dear!"

George-"Oh-oh hello! Mrs. Ross, Mr. Ross how are you? No-no wait don't walk away! I'm just doing this to collect trash! No! I mean I wanted leftover food! Mrs. Ross…George can explain!"

[They walk away-scared.

[Elaine is standing next to the ocean. The same place where George once stood before asking (late) Susan to marry him and so did Jerry before asking Jeeny to marry him. She thinks and ponders. She sees it all. The couple holding hands. The couple with the children. Happy lovers.

[George is at home when his parents call.

Estelle Costanza-"Georgey! You're homeless? You don't have a job and you didn't tell us? Why Georgey, why cant you tell you own parents! We had to hear about it from the Ross'…you know how we hate the Ross', Georgey…they never served cake after the meal. I'm very upset!"

George-"Maa! Calm down! I'm not homeless!"

Estelle-"Don't LIE to me, George! I'm you mother."

George-"I'm NOT homeless, Maa! You CALLED me at home!"

Estelle-"Well I-"

Frank-"George, this is your father! I want you to move back immediately. You're not ready for the city. Your broke! Now, your mother and I maybe old but not too old to support you. I can fish and your mother can be a full-time maid…"

(Voice from the back. Estelle-"FULL TIME? HOW DO YOU THINK I'LL CLEAN FULL TIME? IM A WOMAN NOT A ROBOT!")

Frank-"YOU? I GOT TO BE OUT THERE WITH THE FISH AND THE WORMS ALL DAY! WHAT ABOUT THAT? ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS GET RID OF DUST BUNNIES!..."

[George has a pained expression on his face and puts the phone down as they yell

[Elaine's apartment. Pudy enters.

Elaine-"Puddy! Lets talk…"

Puddy-"Okay."

Elaine-"How ARE you? How do you FEEL?"

Puddy-" I'm okay. I feel fine. A little gasy. Too much Chinese food-"

Elaine-"Alright! I'll talk. You know…you make me feel SO good inside. I miss you all day at work. Just thinking about you spilling cola and cookie crumbs over the sofa makes me want to love you more and-"

Puddy-"-that's enough. Lets watch TV."

Elaine-"Aww. But I wanted to get to know who you are and-"

Puddy-"Cut it out!"

Elaine-"Shut up, you big dofus!"

Puddy-"…I love you."

[Jerry and Carla are walking down the sidewalk again

Jerry-"I'm so glad you agreed to see me again! Love the new bag, by the way."

Carla-"Oh, thanks. Its Prada!"

Jerry-"Ooh! Say, what's it like being a feminist? (In a sarcastic tone) Do ya just sit around all day baking and smelling flowers? Hmm?"

Carla-"Jerry, I-"

[Krammer runs along and tries to snatch the purse from Carla only her grip around the handle is too tight. Meanwhile, Newman huffs over and fake-blocks Jerry, who is fake screaming "The bag! The bag! Don't let him get away with it Carla!" Krammer struggles with Carla over the bag and finally Krammer pulls hard leaving Carla only with the handle.

Slow Motion.

Krammer looks at Jerry confused, Jerry looks at Carla as if to say 'I'm a little tied up here!', Carla looks at Krammer with anger and Jerry looks at Newman as if to say, 'NEWMAN!'

Krammer-"YOYOMA!"

[He dumps the bag on her head. She's about to fall down. Newman and Jerry are exchanging dirty looks and Krammer runs. Freeze.

[George is standing outside Monks with Mr. and Mrs. Ross

George-"So you see…it was all just a big misunderstanding! I'm well to-do! Very well to do! Heh heh…"

[Krammer is running. But when he passes George he makes a quick stop.

Krammer-"Buddy you better run! She found out we're stealing, I couldn't do it…I p-p-PANICKED! So I threw it at her head and ran the hell out of there. I'm not tough enough for the streets, no boy! Did you get anything good from the trash? You better hurry…I'll see you…Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Ross…so sorry about Lily…"


End file.
